Back 2 School Madness

So I have been behind in keeping up my posts, but any Mom with kids going back to school will understand!  Trying to figure out new before and after school care, shopping for supplies, dropping off supplies and meeting new teachers, wresting the STRONG WILLED 14 month old Baby brother... I am so glad I chose to do all this in recovery.  Being stoned would distract and make dull some of these amazing moments... the last couple days before my oldest becomes an official 2nd grader...

Wow.

So I read this, hoping to get a good tid-bit to share with the world, and I got exactly what I asked for.  Hope anyone who happens upon this post is able to get something genuine and accept the sincerity in which I am sharing it.

This is a passage from Day 3 in Step 11 of the Life Recovery Devotional.

"The word meditate in the Bible means "to imagine" and "to ponder repeatedly".  The key to winning the battle over obsessive thoughts is to fill our imaginations with images of a life lived according to God's plan  There's a better life for us.  When we begin to "delight in" imagining what that would be like, we will find that we begin to win some of our inner battles.

The more we bask in the joy of God's presence, the more we will discover joy within."

Thank you for this message God.  May it find it's way to a heart that needs to hear it today.

My thought for the day

I got to spend a large portion of my day, shopping through two thrift stores with my oldest son.  My thought for today is pretty simple.  I love being a Mom and I wish this experience on everyone alive.  That's pretty much it.  I can't belive I let drugs and alcohol come first for awhile.  I know today it was because I had big God shaped hole in my heart.  Today God is filling that hole and I get to experience life and all it has in store for me.

I love being a Mom and I wish this experience for everyone.

Friday, My Friend!

There is something about a Friday that is just fantastic.  Before I cleaned my act up, Friday came and always meant that something  was going on, and whatever that thing was, I did not want to miss it. I was kind of like the little kid who can't take a nap when company is over because they are so sure they are going to miss something amazing.

Truth is, especially at the end, there was nothing amazing happening.  Well, nothing short of the fact that I survived it being pretty amazing in itself.

Today, what gets me excited is coming home and knowing I get to spend the next two days with my boys and the love of my life.  Nothing is better than that.  I love Friday.  I love getting more and more "domestic" and tonight, sitting on the couch mending my soon-to-be 2nd graders sweater, watching Wuthering Heights while the hubby is doing night work.  (I always stay up too late when he does!)

There are hundreds of thousands of people chasing that illusive feeling tonight.  That release.  That High.  That one more night of no responsibility, everyone for themselves.  That Love.  That Escape.  Something to fill that HOLE.

A relationship with My God, and freedom through the 12 steps is the only thing I have found that has given me true release.  True Freedom. 

I chose a mortgage, crying teething baby and piles of laundry to the emptiness that my old Friday nights carried.

I love my life today.  Thank you God that you kept my spirit alive inspite of my attempts to drown it out.  I get to love my life today because of you.  Thank you,

Thursday Thought for the Day

The thought of the day today is actually a Prayer taken from "Twenty-Four Hours a Day" by Hazelden Meditations.

"I pray that I may realize Life with out a goal is futile.  I pray that I may find the Good Life worth striving for."

Pissy Pissy Day

We all have those days right?  Those days where everything just seems to be slightly irritating.  Today is that day for me.  Not a fan of the days that no amount of rational thoughts telling me to be happy can help steer me in a better direction.  Then home to the crazy screaming teething baby who throws a metal candle tin that hits me on the corner of my big toe and I just wanna cry.  Ugh.  Life on Lifes terms.  It's not like I don't want to be doing this today sober I am just not a peachy-positive Lil miss sunshine today.  I just think I am hormonal, tired and Pissy.  Not a fan of days like today.

Tomorrow will be better.  I'm deciding that today.  Thank you God that I get to experience both the good and not so great.  That is true recovery.

Nicole

Sought through Prayer

Step 11:
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscience contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of his will and the power to carry that out.

I got to spend the weekend at a beach house in Rockaway Beach, Oregon with a good friend of mine.  A weekend in the middle of August you would think it's sunny right? Well, I get to report to you that in Oregon... August or not... Sunshine is not garuanteed.  Go figure.  I've lived here many many years now and that still hasn't stuck. 

Well, it was a nice weekend anyway! I got to spend HOURS in an antique shop. Yep, one. I got to spend more hours walking in Canon beach in Art galleries and boutiques.I got to spend two days in a row in my Bible before I had done much else each day.  I have a book that has 30 meditations for each step and I started step 11 on Saturday.  I really want to have a closer relationship with my God and walking on the beach in the sprinkley rain was a really poetic way to appreciate Him.  Taking deep breaths of the misty cool air, hearing the roar if the Ocean waves.  Smelling the saltiness of the sea.  Feeling the energy pulsing in flow of the blue waters.

I am enjoying be back at home with my husband and children, and do not have much else on my mind.  I really enjoyed my time away, but I really love being home.

Thank you God that my eyes were open to seeing you and one of your amazing creations.

Nicole

a hickie from kenickie

So I am perfectly fine to admit my favorite movie of all time is "Grease".  This is followed by a close second of Erin Brokovich.  Two completely different styles but my favs nonetheless.  At work a coworker mentioned a name that made me think of the oh so fantastic line "A hickie from Kenickie is like a Hallmark Card: When you care to send the very best" I have been thinking about that Line and Grease ever since.  I should be able to pull it up on Netflix right??

I love it.  I love that movie because it reminds me of my young teenage years and how excited I was when I was a Senior in High School and could say "We're gonna rule the school!" Even though I was too shy to ever have that happen.  It reminds me of carefree drinking with my friends and getting stoned in my first apartment with my long-time friend.  Life when there was no real consequence to my actions (or so I thought).

How long did I chase that feeling after I was living through real life consequences.  How Long did Jeff Conway chase his?  It's sad but he followed them to his death in May 2011.

Summer time is one of those times when I really need to get my butt into a chair at a meeting and listen to others share about the disease of addiction and alcoholism in their life.  I need to remember that no amount of liquor, pot or denial is going to get me "back" those teenage and young adult years.  And really, THEY WERENT THAT GREAT anyway.

The life I have today with my husband, children, family and friends is so much better.  Maybe I miss being able to numb out whenever I wanted to.  But if I did that today, I would miss out on so much.  I would miss things like the oportunity to pull a Bee stinger out of my 14 month old baby's lip because he puts everything in his mouth including the Bee he found on the carpet.  I would miss listening to my 7 (almost 8, holy crap!) year old singing to Air 1 in the back seat.  I would miss getting the chance to share with a newcomer that there is a Solution, and there IS HOPE.

Thank you God I can see these things today.

Nicole

Four Letter F Word!!!!!!!!!

Fear.   
Fear of the unknown kept me out of the rooms for a long time. 
Fear of telling people the truth about who I am. 
Fear of bill collectors.
Fear of telling people "No" because maybe they won't like me. 
Fear of telling a man where to shove it when he talks to me disrespectfully, and all I do is laugh uncomfortably.
Fear of walking into a meeting by myself.
Fear of failure.
Fear of telling someone my 5th step. 
Fear of Police officers near me even when I didn't do anything.
Fear of making amends to people
What if nobody likes me when I’m sober? 
What if I’m not funny enough/ brave enough? 

Thought of the Day

Today, may you be grateful for what you have.  May you see the lesson that is in every storm.  May you laugh from your Belly so it shakes your soul.  Today, may you experience your God in a new and personal way.

Meatless Gluten Freedom

As a part of my recovery I have to learn how to take good care of my physical body.  Self care is so important like my post the other day helped me focus on.  I only ever get one set of body parts (go figure!).  To help me with this, in both accountability and support, I decided to jump off a second bridge (first one didn't hurt so bad!) and create "Meatless Gluten Freedom"

Check it out if you are Gluten Free or Vegetarian, or both.  It's an infant blog, but thought I'd share it's there.

http://meatlessglutenfreedom.blogspot.com/

Until Next Time -

Nicole

Anniversary

Today's post is a little nostalgic.  Today is my 6 year Anniversay at my place of employment.  At a moment I was over come there today, and almost brought to tears when I thought of where I was emotionally, spiritually and financially in 2006. 

I was renting a room, had left my son with my parents and had been unemployed, jumping to different temp agency jobs whenever they called me in.  I was driving a Mazada 626 that I couldn't afford and subsequently did a voluntary repo on (pretty much meaning I called them and asked they take it before I woke up one morning to find it "gone").  I got so depressed I believed what I thought people were telling me (I wasn't good enough to be around my son) and so I stopped.  I didn't see him for close to 3 weeks I think.  I would come to this job I still have today, and lie when people asked me how he was, and just felt like dying would be easier that taking another breath.  For a period of time the Mazda broke down and I started taking public transit and my watering hole of choice was smack in the middle of my route. Countless times it was HOURS before I made it home.  Once, I didn't.  I stayed the night at a friends after closing the bar down, and went to work the next morning in the same clothes I wore before.

And I thought no one knew I had a problem.