There is hope...

Really, what in this life is important?  I guess my answer would depend on the day I am asked.  Today, what is important to me is the time I have spent with my family.  Shouldn't that be what's important everyday?  Today I cared less about the world outside my home, and more about taking time to cook with my 7 year old.  I took an extra minute admiring my 13 month old after he fell asleep and took pictures of his face and hands.  I spent time today thinking about the Al-anon "Just for Today" bookmark.  (One of the best printed resources ever written).

At church today they talked about what the literal meaning of the word "saint" and "holy". These two words are from the same root, meaning "set apart".  It just means different. It got me thinking.

I am different from many, but in my recovery it's a fine line to feel different but not uniqiue.  I am, in my nature, so self-centered that I can make the two words synonymous, when they are worlds apart.  I have learned in my addiction, I am not unique. 


My guilt used to tell me I was the worst of the worst.  But I now know I am not the only one to have made the choices I made.  I am not the only mother to have experienced the shame that comes with the choices I made.  I am not the only one to feel taken advantage of, to have taken advantage of others, and to have a life involving a child become completely unmanageable.  If there is any mother feeling lost in her guilt, and her illness I hope she one day hears this.

Today I know I am different. I am set apart. I have experienced the gift of desperation, and of desire, coinsiding in one body when presented with the solution. I am no longer able to sit off to the side and be a passive bystander in my own life.

The beautiful, amazing, and truth is this....

THERE IS A SOLUTION

You can WANT change and not believe you need it.

You can NEED the change and not believe you want it

Too long did I care too much for the feelings of those around me and not having any idea what my own were. Too much time I have lost with my oldest child being so afraid, angry and selfish to face the world on it's own terms, relying on my illness of addiction to sustain me. 

Today, I chose to wake up in the morning and ask God to keep me sober another day.

Today I sit here, on my couch in suburbia thanking my lucky stars I will not have a hang over tomorrow, I will sleep tonight knowing the name of the man next to me (just so happens to be my wonderful hubby).  I did not lie today :-)

I CAN LOOK MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AND LOVE WHO I AM.

May you one day be able to say the same

In closing, here is the Al-anon "Just for Today"  In recovery or not this is GOOD stuff.

JUST FOR TODAY I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

JUST FOR TODAY I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.

JUST FOR TODAY I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will lean something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

JUST FOR TODAY I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do - just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

JUST FOR TODAY I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won't find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAYI will have a program. I may not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

JUST FOR TODAYI will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.

JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me. 

Good Night World,
~Nicole