At church today they talked about what the literal meaning of the word "saint" and "holy". These two words are from the same root, meaning "set apart". It just means different. It got me thinking.
I am different from many, but in my recovery it's a fine line to feel different but not uniqiue. I am, in my nature, so self-centered that I can make the two words synonymous, when they are worlds apart. I have learned in my addiction, I am not unique.
My guilt used to tell me I was the worst of the worst. But I now know I am not the only one to have made the choices I made. I am not the only mother to have experienced the shame that comes with the choices I made. I am not the only one to feel taken advantage of, to have taken advantage of others, and to have a life involving a child become completely unmanageable. If there is any mother feeling lost in her guilt, and her illness I hope she one day hears this.
Today I know I am different. I am set apart. I have experienced the gift of desperation, and of desire, coinsiding in one body when presented with the solution. I am no longer able to sit off to the side and be a passive bystander in my own life.
The beautiful, amazing, and truth is this....
THERE IS A SOLUTION
You can WANT change and not believe you need it.
You can NEED the change and not believe you want it
Too long did I care too much for the feelings of those around me and not having any idea what my own were. Too much time I have lost with my oldest child being so afraid, angry and selfish to face the world on it's own terms, relying on my illness of addiction to sustain me.
Today, I chose to wake up in the morning and ask God to keep me sober another day.
Today I sit here, on my couch in suburbia thanking my lucky stars I will not have a hang over tomorrow, I will sleep tonight knowing the name of the man next to me (just so happens to be my wonderful hubby). I did not lie today :-)
I CAN LOOK MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AND LOVE WHO I AM.
May you one day be able to say the same
In closing, here is the Al-anon "Just for Today" In recovery or not this is GOOD stuff.
Good Night World,