Monday, July 30, 2012

Heart in a box

A couple months ago I took an herbal supplement from my Naturopath, based in an alcohol tincture.  Wasn't a crazy idea at the time because I had taken similar ones she gave me before - no prob.  This time though, my body reacted and the last 8 weeks I have had cravings like never before in my recovery.

Life is busy, bills are due, daycare situation a mess (AGAIN! UGH!) House is messy... Laundry, what can a Mom say about laundry...  And SLAM! More life has to happen, and other people have to show their character defects, and hurt my heart.  I mean like I feel squished and kind of broken hearted....

All of a sudden, the Bloody Mary's at the table over in Elmer's that looked really yummy piles on top of my eyes catching every Bar signage I pass. 
Add that to the shot glasses in my in-laws kitchen window (which are NEVER there normally by the way) are so close my hand wants to grab them.  I told my husband on Saturday I was afraid I was going to drink again....


Then, the radio came on (LOVE AIR1) on the way home and I remembered I have victory because of my relationship with my God.  ON MY OWN I WILL FAIL.  But I am not on my own.  

This week I had to learn I have kept my heart in a box.  It took feeling like I would drink again to see it.  I don't trust others easily and once I have let someone in, and I get hurt, it is hard for me to want to forgive.  I am not quite sure why that surprises me, but it does.  I don't want to let you in because my frail little heart may be be squished.  I don't like to be squished.

I have kept my God in a box too.  I have seen that my mistrust in those around me has also bled over to a mistrust in my God. What?  Where has that  been hiding??  I thought me and my God were on pretty good terms, and I knew that could lean on Him for everything.  But no, life has to happen, and other people have to show their character defects, and then all this "self discovery" has to happen.  Sometimes I feel like "when is all the self searching going to end?".  Then I have to remember that if I stop growing I will drink, or die.  Gets alot easier to accept when I put it that way... kind of.

All this brings me to Step 1 - "Came to believe that we are powerless over Alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable." 

I don't have to be drinking to experience powerlessness in my life.  Thankfully today I am open enough to my God to hear him when he reminds me I'm not alone.

Thank you God. 


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